100 thoughts on “What is Trauma Bonding? | Kati Morton

  1. Hey Kati , I know this is a random question but I have to ask this what camera do you use for filming ? The quality is so good

  2. My abuser was my best friend. It is weird that I have been so addicted to her and wanted her approval so desperately. I would end up walking on eggshells so that she wouldn't lash out and abandon me (which she has done frequently). It hurts, because in some ways we are so connected. I am trying to heal and move on, but I do miss her.

  3. What if you see your best friend going through this but she doesn’t want to see that she’s in a abusive relationship and she doesn’t want to leave?
    I can’t stay silent and just listen.. I can’t let my best friend ruin her life. She can’t afford therapy and she doesn’t even accept that there’s something wrong with her relationship… it’s so hard for me to see her like this

  4. Kati – please, trauma bonding can also happen in nay person to person relationship including in a parent-child relationships and/or in a sibling-sibling relationship.

  5. hmmm, what if those warning signs are split between the relationship? for example, i feel like there is no way out, but he has to walk on eggshells because im so sensitive and can be explosive?

  6. Hi Kati, I clicked on this video because I had a different idea of the term. I was thinking about bonding with people who had a similar trauma. This bonding can be helpful at first, but over time it feels harmful in my my perspective, because we tend to relive our trauma more often then we would than talking with a person without trauma. This starts to perpetuate pain and negative coping mechanisms because we’re feeding off each other . Please make a video about this if you can.

  7. Significant symptoms for me were being in a state of dissociation (a very cloudy place of cognitive dissonance,) and fawning, as opposed to the fight or flight reaction.
    Unfortunately, in my experience, the people who really should know about this phenomenon don't, including the R. I. D & the RSPCA✌🏻😟
    Trauma bonding is the answer to the clichéd question: "Why does she stay?"

  8. Thank you so much! This explains everything. I used to think that I was in love with that person when I didn´t know yet that I´m aromantic. I already was aromantic to begin with and afterwards but my feelings towards this one person really confused me. How can I be aro and in love with this one single person who abused me for three years? That´s contradicting. Now I understand what it really was!

  9. im 19, tonight i tried to open up to my mom who suffers from NPD about my emotionally abusive relationship that ive been stuck in for 2 years now. her response was that trauma bonding isn’t real and that it’s “all in my head” and that i need to just leave him. im so lost and alone right now

  10. I don't feel like I'm "walking on eggshells" necessarily like they are going to get aggressive or something but more like any little thing I do they will use as an excuse for why they aren't loving me or distancing themselves and talking to other girls and talking shit and shaming me. Is that the same thing?

  11. Can this happen without the apology and reward part? Because my brother sent me this, and I guess he expected me to relate to it, but if I did it’d have to exclude the apology part since it’s directed toward my mom I think

  12. I was abused by my father but he was only in my life until i was 8. But growing up, i didnt really have a father figure and the male figures in my life were abusive to me as well. All in different ways. And i noticed after my last relationship i only know how to build bonds with abusive men. Is this related to Trauma bonding or is it somethibg else?

  13. My ex & I broke up a while ago but I deserved to get dumped. Im pretty sure she went through this with me, I was pretty toxic to her and it sucks because I feel so shit about it and Im not over her. We would be so happy but I know I was manipulative and controlling and such. I apologized already and as much as I was she'd come back and let me try again, deep down I know its over. I did too much damage to her and the pain I feel is more guilt than anything. I want to change her mind about me because Im really trying to fix myself. Im alone for now and i realized that i basically have to try and re-parent myself because the way I expressed my love was how my parents have always been. Fuck my life i hope one day i can make things right

  14. Just got out of a 4 year very abusive relationship with a sociopath, what a hell ride, interesting talking about the skin conditions assosiate with trauma bonding, ive had bad acne for years and it started to look different, very red, now I can tell it is stress eczema. I am a few weeks free from this relationship and my skin is already starting to heal. I have so much love and support to anyone going through this, god bless

  15. I feel like I am in a trauma bond at work but there are no positives such as the post love bomb but rather the fear. Is that possible and still be sucked into it?

  16. i hate that i watched this… the last person i was in a relationship left me to go back to her abusive ex… I guess i was just one of those boring guys she tried dating afterwards then went back to the "excitement".

  17. It's been 12 years…. He popped up in my social media and I'm feeling "addicted" again…. Ugh I'm so crying right now

  18. Is this abuse physical? My husband never hit me but rejected me sexually. But I still love him, am attracted to him?

  19. What are the best ways to respond to the abuser when they are trying to reach out to you but you are now aware of the trauma bonding and trying to deflect their efforts to get you back into their cycle? (A relationship with an ex partner whom is the father of our child)

  20. Yes. I became addicted to the push/pull by my own Narc. mother. I've gone on to re-create it with most intimate relationships in my life. I now crave that rollercoaster uncertainty 🙁

  21. Trauma bonding is very distressing for a target/victim. I went back just to visit with him a couple times before I cut it off for good. He is the way he is all the time. Emotionally unavailable, just like his abusive father and mother, it got so bad that I was becoming like him, because he took the sunshine out of my heart. It was horrible living with him. The gal that got with him and married him is lifeless, it looks like he's sucked the life out of her as well, now according to the photos of them together, they've been married since 2005. He has enslaved her as she is showing signs of stress from his abuse, so I know she has to do the bulk of the chores, just like I did. I'm glad I'm out of his messed up world. This story reminds me of beauty and the beast which ends badly which is quite a sad story.

  22. I'm rewatching all your videos similar to this one because I'm having such a hard time right now… it's been a couple of months and I'm dying inside but you're honestly saving me right now. Thank you.

  23. I’m going through this now! I just left my emotionally and Mentally abusive boyfriend of almost 3 years last Week! How do I get better! I cry everyday! I hurt so much! :’(

  24. My therapist had told me yesterday to look up the definition of trauma bonding to better grasp how my past relationship was

  25. Physical warning signs: rapid heartbeat, breath holding, or even tonic immobility when you think of dealing with someone, even for a supposedly nice interaction.

    This might seem obvious, but I became so disconnected from physical sensation at times (dissociation) I couldn't feel sensations enough to make the connection. Instead my mind was a forum of intense and conflicting thoughts and feelings –another sign easier to see when you're not in the middle of things.

  26. Hey Kati are there other emotional states we can become addicted to? I feel like I have a hard time giving up the identity of clinical depression now that I'm not really in that state and I think it makes me cling to some symptoms I could let go otherwise. Rn I'm 23 but I was depressed through my adolescence and undergrad and having that be a part of my identify is hard to give up sometimes I feel like I miss the lows

  27. Walking on eggshells. Check
    Full of shame. Check
    Not believing I will make it on my own. Check
    Missing them. Check
    Future faking, broken promises. Check
    Breadcrumbs. Check
    It was all just a fallacy. There was no relationship.

  28. You become addicted biologically to the sex itself no matter who is doing the abuse because we are by nature sexual beings.It's a mishandling of our sexuality.So that explains why some are bonding with their abusive fathers because there's a natural need to love them normally as a real father, coupled with a natural need to love someone in a sexual way.So you get stuck.

    I think the escape route from this trauma bonding is understanding we get caught up emotionally with our abusers BECAUSE WE PLACE OUR NEEDS AND WHAT WE WANT IT TO BE LIKE ON THE ABUSER.OUR NORMAL EXPECTATIONS ARE NOT MET BY THE ABUSERS, WHEN WE REALIZE THIS, THAT'S OUR TICKET OUT.IN OTHER WORDS ROMANTISISING THE ABUSE GETS YOU STUCK.

    This is life changing information.Thank you very much for confirming things.

  29. thank you
    it just really just helped to hear that. I know i'm in such a situation right now and i still dont know how to end it. i'm totally aware that it is toxic, but every time i want to end it, she'd tell me she cant live without me and she'll die (kill herself) . and i fall for it every times. and after it, I get shamed and made guilty because I was the bad one who wanted to leave her. i'm stuck and i know that. but just to see this video and realize, this is a thing (beside the stockholm syndrom, wich i know is not the thing), helped me to mabe get enough balls to talk or just write ablut it.
    so, thank you

  30. Starting to notice this pattern of my wife falsely accusing me of looking at other women when we're out to dinner. She will not admit that she's insecure but rather puts it off on me "not knowing I'm doing it". It's really getting old because with each false accusation I feel like my character is impinged each time she does it.

  31. What if two people who got out of or distanced themselves from a trauma bonded relationship became friends. What if they started to feel feelings for each other but both come from really unhealthy places and need to work on themselves. What if you start to need them around and feel emotional without their company? It wouldn't be abuse from them but abuse from the past that makes you view things and people the way you do now.

  32. this can happen in parent-child relationships, too. I didn't realize their was a name for it; thank you for explaining

  33. Thank you! It is good to know that what I have been through is real even though my abuser laughs at it, friends and co workers in common think that I am a shit starter for seeking help and even though some of my closest friends threatened to or actually turned their backs on me.

  34. My dad has custody of my child. I was beaten as a kid and need to around my father just to see my son. Its a complex situation. Please help

  35. is it possible for a narcissist to actually love you despite their abuse? my mom shows every sign of being a narcissist and I relate to all of the signs of trauma bonding and the only thing holding me back from leaving home and intentionally taking time away from her is believing that she does love me despite how she acts. she grew up with a bad home life too and it's like a constant roller coaster living with her but I have a hard time believing that she doesn't love me because when she does apologize, she actually seems genuine and it's almost like she can't control her rage sometimes

  36. Hey I’m not so sure how to get into groups/search for groups online/Facebook for trauma I went through growing up, can someone tell me key words to search for?

  37. But isn't trauma bonding something that starts in childhood and mirrors into our adult relationships 🙏 dosen't the having starts with healing on our childhood traumas?

  38. Ok so i am within a twin flame relationship and over 18months she has run 8 times. Is there a part of the relationship trauma bonding

  39. Another symptom is the feeling that you cannot live without this person. As if you will literally die without them. It’s not just a normal break up feeling it is extreme devastation

  40. Oh, wow, this video described me from beginning to end!
    Thinking 'maybe he really does love me, that's just the way he shows it', and not being excited to meet new people because they're boring. Those were spot on!

  41. So what do you call when someone falls in love with you then leaves you claiming it's a trauma bond.. we literally fell in love the moment we meet, I just dont get it especially since theres none of this abusive stuff I'm just now reading about. 😤😞

  42. what about a work environment and dynamics with superiors that recreate/mirror childhood trauma bonding with a parent? I find later in life tha a 19 yr work environment now two years in the past but which I continue to feel anguish and flashbacks, well, the more I use therapy and writing about tha workplace the more I see painful childhood situations

  43. Initially, when my therapist told me that physical problems that I have are connected to my abusive childhood and later abusive relationships I didn't buy it. I said – there is no logical explanation, so it's not true. And then I found the logical explanation – it's the stress hormones that if you have high levels of them for a long time it damages you physically. And also messes up the balance of all hormones in your body as well. People could get very, very sick if they stay in emotionally abusive relationships for a long time.

  44. My Dad had manipulated me and was inappropriate towards me. I miss him so bad that I want to see him again but know that things will be the same or worse.

  45. Oh, so that's what that sh** was. Now that I think about it, it was so bad. Wtf? I've been out for about 7 years now, the friendship lasted for 6 years and I remember the last 4 years of it to have been clearly abusive. At the time I thought it was normal to fight weekly and I believed her when she said all the fights were my fault. The only time I didn't take the blame was when I left, finally. I don't know what gave me the strenght to leave, I was on 5th grade, early fall, she had started rumours about me and gotten others in my class to bully me, 5th year of being bullied, I hadn't had other friends for 4 years, I had no one outside of it. Sure she had threatened to kill me, held her fist pulled back aimed at me, but that was on the grade before, it had been at least 5 months, a year max, I just remember there was no snow. I had my only attempt a month after leaving her, before that our fights lasted a day or one and a half, I don't know if I missed her, but I think it played a part on driving me over the mental edge. It was a wake up call, not that anyone else even noticed a thing, but I just got a hold of myself and saw what I wanted. I wanted to live, leave these asses out of life, leave the place and everything to do with it, get my head clear and be happy for the first time since first grade. I've pretty much made it. Getting out of there was the best decision in my life, whole heartedly recommend! And even when you leave and have no one, people will come as you go to new places and those relationships have so much potential to be perfectly healthy. As scary as it seems to leave, there are so many things worth it on the outside. It'll all be okay, take your time and work towards it.

  46. Hi my friend, first of all I wanna say thank you very very very very very very very very much!!!! Second I have come to the realization that my dad is a narcissistic person and I think while he was with my mom she kind of became a narcissistic person I’m not sure if that works or not but I have been in a toxic relationship with this man since I was 11 years old and he has my whole family has his flying monkeys I’m really not sure what to do I have tried to escape three times with no such luck please help

  47. Thank you, I am going through trauma bonding right now from the abuse I’ve suffered from my soon to be X Narc Husband…. the divorce is being filed and am happy i escaped and am free but I know it sounds crazy but I miss him and I wish things could had worked out and he could had healed from all the trauma that hurt him so much and created what he was to me…. I shouldn’t miss him but i do…. I shouldn’t love him but I do…
    My common sense says let it go and go on with your life and be happy…
    Just having a very hard time doing that.
    Thank you for the Journal idea I will start that tomorrow.

  48. Thank you for this. Ive been wondering why in my current very loving and stable relationship i have been struggling to commit and feel like im walking in a dream and miss my ex who broke my heart and emotionally tortured me. Ik i was addicted to the rush, the crazy emotional roller coaster. But idk how to change and be ok with having something real and stable. Could anyone help me? Because i want to be ok, i dont want to ruin this, i love my current partner but ive been struggling with this for months and idk what to do a part of me wants to end things so bad and go chasing my ex and my old obsession and a new heart ache but i cant go through that again no matter how much i crave it. But i love my partner and i could never do that to them. How did others who have gone through toxic relationships make it out and be ok with something actually real and stable?

  49. I was told that the grieving period could take about 50% of the length of the relationship, example: 10 year relationship/5 year grieving period.

  50. Thank you so much for creating such an amazing video! I am in the process of recovering from a trauma bond, and this video explains everything so magnificently!

  51. This is why I cringe when people (women) try to "Normalize" BDSM relationships or make like they have "control" because of it. It's an addiction on a chemical level. Affects the same brain centers as cocaine. The ride up and down is all chemical and unfortunately as you said prohibits forming a nurturing caring relationship with someone else as it will seem "boring"..

  52. Correct me if I'm wrong, but could it be possible that my whole childhood being a push and pull between being hit by my parents and then being loved by them the reason why I would often start petty arguments with either them, friends, or random people on the internet then try to reconcile and be on good terms again??

  53. I just realized this year that The man I loved for years groomed me. I now understand that what he did was wrong, but I crave the punishment. Sounds like I just crave the biological sensation he once provided.

  54. I feel like I’ve been Mourning the Romantic Narcissist who devalued then disregarded me.

    But now I’ve been told I’m breaking the ‘addiction’ from the Bond…. which suddenly turned into a trauma.

    Thanks 🙏 I’m at the no contact stage but unfortunately I can’t stop the ecos and flash backs and dreams 🥺

  55. This has been happening to me for 20 years, I am 35. I have tried to leave 100 times always thinking that if I leave he would realize how much he really does love and miss me. When that doesn’t happen I panic and I go back to him. I now feel like after 20 years I have brain damage.

  56. But what if the person in the abusive relationship is a parent? How am I supposed to be supportive when their relationship directly affects me?

  57. I have stressed induced acne, skin rashes and hives. I’ve gained 70 lb . I horrible at things I use to be great at.

  58. What about if someone is full on head over heels in love with someone who is a 'gaslighter' and emotionally manipulative. They won't listen to other people when they say "he/she is really bad for you"?

    How should you handle that?

  59. I have working on a low paid job for 5 years.i have been feeling all steps for some time. I have to get out this toxic job….

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